- difference -

what never happens? cusps of all
our dreams can seldom stay above
those lives, in part from parted days
and bottomless nights; by craze
of longing we breath in deep
when others swim slow in their need.
although we blend between the skies,
the scape of our long love defies
a natural dwindle - fought in vain -
and only pleasure does remain.

the time of a year is never long enough

sometimes i see everything
i see the blinds
i see the leaves drenched on the ground
displayed quite damply by a soft light

i see the soap in my bathroom
in its urgency to be used
it seeps through the opening
just a little bit every time

i see the folds of my pillow
trying to be the folds of amy's pillow

i see all these things
and for some reason
i feel all these things

can someone really feel what they see?
it doesn't make any sense
but thats what i describe it as

in a not so usual world
all these sights become things
they become themselves
but more so

and i sometimes tune into that place
and i get the feeling that
the world is trying to say something to me

its so...poignant and forceful
it doesn't make sense to me
but everything looks beautiful
and i want to be connected to these things

all the outlines that define what we perceive
they don't mean much
they just blend in and soak me in
being.

i wish someone could be me
just so they would know
that i am not just living

then at least there would be some sort of
understanding
or at least a detente of sorts

i guess this makes me sound out of tune
but i really am not
i get these rushes of wanting to be all at once
and i can't help myself

maybe its love

when was i happy?

the warm days of summer
playing outside by the apartment
we called "home"
in all it's stucco glory

messy, sweet-scented verbenas
cast alongside pavement
behind the pool that we jumped into
and frolicked so effortlessly in

people define happiness in their own ways
i admit that i am happy now
sometimes obliviously so
but is trying to have it all keep us
from being pure at heart?

i sit on my bed at the moment
lacking in concentration
which i will be punished in paper form tomorrow

everything is quiet
and the translucent light of my lamps
almost twin-like in their yellow energetic ways
throws a pitying darkness over
the bundle of clothes and school things on my chair
as if trying to create
a lack of loneliness next to me

but it is merely a trick of light
and beyond my eyes
i know in my heart
that right now
i could very well be alone.

these past few months have gone by
in a frenzy of opportunities,
both missed and taken
(in honesty, that is more or less all of life defined).
i have come to realize certain things
about myself by being in the place i am now.

sometimes i find myself caught up in
the slivers of day-to-day life,
with all my responsibilities bluntly chopping down
all hours of the day.
i also find that no matter how hard i try,
i turn inwards in times of distress,
looking nowhere for comfort and help.
it really has been an education of the utmost
lack of reliance,
a method education and a repetitive education
brought by circumstances in my life early on
(as we all do have our past; yes, even you, readers).

perhaps my inimitable disregard for
caring about...caring about me
is making me so tired and helpless,
unable to sleep at night,
and in general being in complete destruction mode,
much more so than i have been in a long time.

i have had quite the time of my life this first quarter,
and i think ever since i last wrote here,
i have needed nothing but what is around me
to take care of things.
but now the times has come to put these
far-fetched and harried words together
to remind myself why i even exist.

everyone is a product of those who love them,
regardless of how you think you may not care.
we are all empty aluminum cans,
being recycled all the time,
crumpled by abrasive pressure and reshaped to
beautiful, rounded lines by cooling pressure.
i am a product of those who love me as well,
and i think i forget that sometimes.

maybe one day i will be able to stop these
inexplicable delusions of invincibility,
this dream of being a modern-day oedipus,
on a journey of self-realizations and fate.
i hope that day comes soon,
because i fear my body might not last too long
if i keep at it.