when you take apart our hands in reverse

looking like every universe has just exploded

 and falling quietly into the night

it's like waiting for the slow backwards rolling

of that one incessant thunder

of maybe some beat from afar
as the stick moves up and down out of our hands

and you wish it would focus into view faster

and this piece would crack right in

but that waiting

and living in the quiet separation

of my breath towards the door

by the unruly lights that smell so focused

the wanting of an idea that seems universal

and maybe even everyone else is wanting

and that is the wanting you are looking for

 and there isn't even a word needed for it

so apparently my brain has decided

that i wont get anything done today

which is...moderately important to my near future

not so much so that i'm actually worried enough to do something

about it but not so little that i'm actually not worried enough to

maybe do something about it

we still have a couple of hours left of worktime

so we will see if anything happens

by the way

did you know it's quite difficult to be a new pet owner?

poor protocol

i wish i could let him out more

 but until he learns that poop belongs in one place

and that not everything is for eating

i can't let him around the apartment

just my room

in other news

i think i have my voice back

after about a week

finally i can annoy myself again

nothing denotes a good nap

like the lack of a memory

a big drool stain

the "waking terrors"

and the sound of your newly acquired rabbit named "protocol"

eating hay and watching you being stupidly human

friday night! 

so the first single of the new

motion city soundtrack album "go" came out today

and as per usual

i will be disappearing inside of this song

for a couple of weeks

so if  you need me,

feel free to knock and i'll get right back to you

oh, here it is by the way

another week gone

time has taken its toll on me now

and as i sit here studying for some test

i try as hard as i can to sing along

to the song that i play

but the scratchy whispers are all that my throat allows right now

 i kind of get tired of dreading things

 

so i'm feeling sick for the second time

in about 3-4 weeks

maybe it's the little critters in my body

going all batshit to my cells

but i've been in a very unusual mood lately

i can tell i'm not my normal self

because i just listened to bright eyes

and when i listen to bright eyes

i know that i'm fucking around with my own mind

weird ain't it?

when is someone going to cure the cold?

it's just as everyone feared

nothing really changes after all

i'll still go crazy for black nail polish

a quick wit

and the messiness that i can't clean up

but sure can fuck up some more

you don't have to sit there and tell me things can/will change

i know they can't/won't

but i live like this so that it's okay

why wouldn't it be okay?

we are just specks anyways

and after we all turn into ash

or bones

or whatever you want to be

we won't be matter

this is the clearest

"who gives a shit"

i've done in a while

 

when i first saw this

i legitimately think my heart stopped for a second

because it was so...beautiful

 

couldn't sleep last night

jotted down some things while they were still in my mind:

i don't want anyone's attention anymore;

rub the gritty metals on my eyes

to take away the shine

that might trick your heart into

thinking i'm just another one of you

is there another way to kick this anxiety addiction

without a beating of my body in little forms?

let's cash in on my weakness.

you can grab my new life and

everyone else can have the

dull pieces that don't expire

and improve with age.

there are two words that seem to help

move the world along:

i'm sorry

especially when you both know it

especially when it doesn't need to be said

and yet it is the best way to break the silence

and it keeps everything together

forgiving others may not be easy

but without it

nothing would ever go away

and we couldn't possibly do anything else that's possible

don't be afraid to say i'm sorry

because sometimes

those two words mean so much more than you think

my new go-to for when i'm feeling wonky

and stressed out about life

and want to listen to some cheese is

hellogoodbye

this was a direct result of finding a stack of cd's from the car

during break and realizing that 16 (or 17) year old me

paid like 13 or 14 bucks to buy this album

and i was like 'what the hell, might as well give it

a couple more listens'

and then i realized that forrest kline's

insanely derivative yet hopelessly heartwarming

aural renderings (not songs because most of it is synth anyways)

could be my generation's 'oldies' one day

and oh my god does that make me cringe yet feel proud

 there's some kind of feeling that you get

(and stop me if you know what i'm talking about)

when you listen to 'here in your arms' -

it's like bitterness, but the complete opposite...

sort of like remembering something that you forgot

happened and realizing it wasn't an accident

that you forgot it

but now that  you remember it

it wasn't so bad and everything around you is changed

and you kind of wish that it could be then again

and yet at the same time not

in the end, it's one of those love songs

that make you feel pretty good about everything

that went right and hope that everything

that went wrong happened for a reason

imagine this -

three diet cokes down

11:45 PM and not a car in sight

flying down the street and

shouting the words to 

"king of carrot flowers pt. I"

blasting away from the shitty stereo system

nothing like the pure bliss

that i find back home

such clean fun

 

i know it's only twelve

but the internet has won for today

i love this so much -

 (otters that look like benedict cumberbatch)

several things

i'm glad the quarter is over

even though i had a lot of fun

i'm looking forward to a clean-ish slate

i'm fairly hungry right now;

want to go to del taco, except no one is around

 to roll with

the desert has become even more monotonous

since i've last been here

especially since everyone's graduated

and no one has shitty spring breaks anymore

just started watching "easy a" again

forgot how much i liked this movie

and every time i hear "pocketful of sunshine"

all i can think of is emma stone dancing around

 legitimately one of the best things about

coming home is that i get to use this

little mac mini keyboard dr. mccallum gave me in undergrad

it feels so good to type on

it's like miniature fireworks going off

every time i press a button

but if the fireworks were not explosions of fire

but explosions of...

pudding

because it's really smooth and yummy

ugh another 6 days of this?!

i really want to just run to my car

and book it to another state or at least another city

but i have no resources to do such a thing

someone come find me?

almost done with finals

i realized a couple seconds ago

that my life is about as vanilla as

this chai tea latte from starbucks that i'm drinking

/firstworldproblems

(i did it ironically - ugh i can't even type that

without wanting to kill so many things

that i wish i had the power to make things come alive

just so i can kill them, including this lame desk

and my hopeless umbrella

and all this dental jive around me) 

and your post-ly lyrical anecdote:

"every time i think of you/
i feel shot right through with a bolt of blue."

how exquisitely decadent
 

i would totally do this

...except my hamsters are dead

weeksy and tangy, you will live in my heart forever

 

*lyk dis if u cry evertim*

i've already had about 6 "cyclothymic" episodes today

 that gets pretty old pretty fast

it's this damn weather

or whatever 

also, about 30% of my caloric intake for the last two days
have been from altoids
and another 30% from skittles
that's probably not the best thing ever

i keep adding to this post
but i keep having smallish thoughts
about what i wrote previously
anyways i realized that every time i use some kind of
number or statistic
im 100% pulling it out of my bumhole
what the what?

so say it with me, dear readers:
don't believe eric woo's statistics! they're biased because he works for THE MAN!

one more thing:
"oh the glory that the lord has made/
and the complications you could do without/
when i kissed you on the mouth."

i was wondering what you care for

it dawned on me that i need to give more

even though it seems like i already do

why do we let the weight of the world

push our dreams deep into our lungs

and make us expel everything we were hoping for?

and all we get back is another moment of life;

don't we all deserve something more than that?

if i could i would give up my toes

and my eyes and even my hair

just to wake up in a comfortable place

without having to look around and wonder

"what the hell?!"

each day is a bit of a composition

whatever you may make of it

and i intend on writing my own future

i think one of the best things about this city

is that regardless of how the night starts out

every night can be as crazy and interesting

as any other night

you have no idea who you will run into

or where you'll end up

but it's almost guaranteed to be addictingly fun

admittedly this week was not my best

lots of unsettling times were had

and i did get quite unsettled

but as i always do

i am just living for the next day

hoping for the best

and i'd never change what i have now

forever:

dum spiro spero