all that is left to do is hold on to the soft parting of the kiss that woke you into a dream world.

each day travels a bit differently in my mind,

with their own surprises and modesty.

i catch myself drifting off quite often lately,

when i am listless and feeling the usual

wistful waves for affections.

there are these small objects we've come to share

in our short time, small in the way

that this planet is compared to the universe;

in our minds, i suppose every

victory of a moment or cheer for the length gone by

and not driving ourselves to wit's end is momentous.

and some days, that is all i need to assure

my upkeep is paid and i can thrive.

you can bend your chair backwards

to breath in a space like this,

if only to stretch your legs,

as i walk my own length passing.

at times i wonder if you reflect

what i do in my feathered world,

sitting at your table kindled by the

rustle of my reminiscing joys to while away

the quiet times of missing you;

i, outside of all this, am oblivious

to your minutiae and yet left

to wonder why i glow so warmly

as you sing your little songs

and settle even farther into

my most private, indeterminable hallways.

"i think 'let's try redefining beautiful'"

when i come back to a point of my life

i'd like to think that i've changed enough

to have a new perspective

there are still discoveries to be made,

to be sure,

and that both excites me and leaves me apprehensive

but there's never a definite thing in life

so i think that is okay

a promise that i've made a few days ago

which i shall follow through on now

after i've had some time to think:

when i think of you,

i am filled with the splendor of a life yet lived,

the culmination of infinite pleasures to be had in the world

brought to me so unexpectedly and decidedly quick.

i would save every scrap of heart i could manage

and be comfortable leaving it in your hands

to mark and crease for tomorrow's plans,

even though we both know planning might not be your strongest suit.

i try hard with my words,

and i hope they haven't failed me this time.

more and more i consider the following:

this world is such a hilariously odd place to be living in.

on an unrelated note,

i've been working on some things

but i don't want to become a complacent writer

so i'm saving those things for later

when i feel like they're not completely lacking any notable qualities

on a semi-related note,

i couldn't be more complacent about coasting right now

but i can assure you that i am multiple notches above copacetic

in a way i am more incoherent when i am happy

than when i am unhappy

because when i am happy in my mind

everything becomes disconnected and colorful

and there are sounds coming from far away

and i just don't know what to do with that.

reading back on what i just wrote,

it sounds like i am now addicted to hallucinogens.

i can already feel myself sort of losing touch

with the rest of the world

but i'm actually fine with that for once

and i'm just going to be letting myself

be this exuberant for as long as i can

ride it.

my birthday was very very good

and outsidelands was very very good

honestly so many things are going so well in life right now

even when i'm doing nothing i feel good.

this is so good.

i feel very lucky to be this happy lately

i will like to chalk that up for future reference

there seems to be quite an odd disturbance in how i perceive time lately
a lot of fluctuation

i'm not sure what i meant to say with this
but i think that's just because my mind is besotted
how charming

"why do you keep your mind so far away?"

"because it's the only way i know how."

my life has been fresh prince'd so hard

these last couple of weeks

i just cannot fathom how the world thinks

people could cope with such whims

but i can definitely hang with this one.

blithely effervescent!

"sound is the colour i know,

sound is what keeps me looking for your eyes.

and sound of your breath in the cold,

and oh, the sound will bring me home again."

well it's like that feeling

not when you are about to jump off a cliff

or plunge your hand into a hole in the wall

filled with nasty insects to save your friend indy

it's more like someone's given you a lottery ticket

the day before the lottery system is dismantled

and you'll never find out if you would have won or not

except in a very good way.

holy sheets.

it is the brighter side of 8pm at the moment

and the entire apartment is,

as usually indicative of this time,

painted in quiet shades of orange, blue, and grey

the last remnants of the day that we took

as i have alluded to previously

this will be my 500th post on this blog;

some of those posts,

admittedly, are short, and unoriginal,

while others do more than their fair share

of unloading the samples of my inner dialogue

into some comprehensible (and somewhat reprehensible)

form.

i'd like to think that i'm a changed person

especially when comparing myself

to greatly past portrayals,

because of a few reasons:

1. i think all humans are capable of change if they choose to

2. sometimes change is necessary for survival

3. what lives is inherently dynamic and contends

greatly the forces at work that keep it still

there aren't too many people that could tell me

if i have changed or not

(in the whatever amount of time

you, or i, would like to gauge myself as having been changed).

i would ask them if they thought i was better this way,

if i made them happier,

if i lived a bit better.

at the heart of the matter

is the fact that you can see yourself in two ways:

either as a reflection of those around you,

being created over and over

by people's perceptions and reactions,

or as your very own entity,

that people can either accept or receive.

i think i have struggled with these two concepts greatly

over the past year or so,

because i feel like as i get older

(i know, "older", haha)

 i feel like it is so much more important for me

to know exactly who i am and what i stand for.

perhaps it is because i feel like that is the key

to figuring out how to achieve maximum happiness.

 i've gone through some very strenuous times

ever since that one event occurred last year

(i believe we all know, dear readers, what i refer to)

and i have kept coming up to the road block

in my driving excursion to the land of peace of mind

that i never fully just let it go;

it was one of those things where i couldn't make up my mind

and i struggled greatly at the makings of

"how?" and "why?"

i think that in the end, i was just plain unhappy with the fact that

i was never proud of the way i walked away 

from hardship and difficulties,

but there were so many other things going on

that it is hard to pinpoint one absolute cause.

needless to say, many moons have sung their song

and i am at this junction in life

where i can go so many ways.

i can't say that i am always happy;

in fact, i think lately it would be more appropriate to say

that i am more unhappy than not.

as much as i can, i try to work on these things,

but deep down, i know my hands are forever tied

by the strings that connect my neurons and my heart.

i fervently promise, dear readers,

that this post is not meant to be any kind of

depressor, a laundry list of emotions

that bring the good ship down in a cacophony of 

sadly true wordplay and boisterous denial.

i enjoy life. i really do.

here it is:

i think it's time that i let the world be beautiful for me once more.

dum spiro spero

as always.

 

i don't think i've fallen in love so quickly

as i have with 'the rip tide' by beirut

when i think of myself as a creature

i imagine some kind of spider made of glass

with my legs pointing everywhere

clear and hard as day

if you could pet a spider, would you?

1 more to go til 500!

i promise i'll make it good 

(20 minutes later)

jk i think i fell in love with 'the flying club cup' faster
 hard to say, really
when love is so fast!

i wonder what kind of effect having a blog has

on my day-to-day activities

because i spend so much of this space

writing things i can never say out loud

and i can't imagine it doesn't have an effect on my life

(yes, yes a double negative. fuck you.)

i guess i'll never be really comfortable

with being honest with everyone

but i don't think that's as much of an issue

as it was for me before

because i'm more honest more of the time

gee this post is so great

i fucking suck, i know

hey at least i made myself laugh with this one

quite an eventful weekend

i haven't felt this content in a while

but i won't get too crazy with it

or at least that's what i'm telling myself

haha

now on to doing some things!

i pretty much haven't stopped listening to "Go"

since it's been out

although i've been sprinkling some new shit

like Cloud Nothings and Andrew Bird here and there

there are some things in MCS songs

that rip quickly into my valves

"i won't say 'i'm sorry'

this hasn't been a waste of time.

tell me, do you think we'll be fine after all?

i'm all nerve, an anxious, sort of complicated fear;

the worst is yet to come, my dear."

i think this is why sleep doesn't come so easily

4 more posts until my 500th

i thought when i was smaller

and life was much bigger

that time would go on

and i would get bigger

and life would get smaller

the day before i left home

i drove around for a while

and then i parked

and i cried for a while

then i started my car up again

rolled down the windows

and drove home

sometimes i feel like there are

so many strange things out there in the world

that i will never understand

and that's what makes living so beautiful

and so scary at the same time

two things i want to run by you, dear readers:

is it weird that even though i'm home i'm already feeling

homesick and sentimental?

i suppose it's because i'm leaving tomorrow

also

if everyone acted pretentiously,

wouldn't that at some point be considered

high society?

(for those who didn't quite catch it

i was being satirical)

so i'm halfway into "only revolutions"

but i decided to take a break from that madness

and delve into "the brief wondrous life of oscar wao"

 (yes yes i finally decided to read it)

well before i knew it, i had powered through the book

in one sitting (although i did stop for dinner)

and i must say it is a thoroughly good read.

 that's the kind of book that lines your pillows with spiders

and makes you wake the fuck up on the days

when all you can think about is the end of days.

it sort of read like a modern day version of 'house of the spirits'

(and i almost wrote 'tasted' there

because the language of both books 

is so dense that it feels like it permeates

your surroundings)

one caveat, dear readers:

it is definitely not a feel-happy kind of book.

it sort of is, but only for probably 5% of the people

who think that way;

the other 95% would put this book down at some points

and just go hug the shit out of someone.

i finished reading it and immediately wanted to go

on a road trip.

to be honest

if there is one thing that really churns my insides

its the fact that i truly do want someone

that i can just go see something beautiful with

because let's face it

there's a lot of beauty in the world we haven't seen

just laying around my room

soaking in the warmth of the desert

while my fan waves idly at me

i turned on 'montezuma'

because it was stuck in my head

but i couldn't help myself

so now i'm listening to all of 'helplessness blues' again

one of those days