yes, i feel empty without you.

yes, i've never been so helpless.

yes, i don't know what i'm doing.

yes, i should forget this pitiful existence i lead now and move on.

but always, no.

"why are you so far away?" she said/
"why won't you ever know that i'm in love with you?"

in all this beauty there is some sadness

i missed you like it was yesterday

have a very happy thanksgiving

let the light of life invest itself
in the longings of your soul

until we meet again

boop

coax me out, my love/
sink into tomorrow.
coax me out, my love/
and have a spin of my propeller.

that moment of rediscovery
when you find something that is just so
like the middle bite of a cake
or the muted tick of a watch
in an endless room

things aren't always so bad

i wish there was someone here
to listen to 'illinois' with

i suppose i dont make the best company now

last night was very fun
(happy birthday again to jesse)
...but
i got serious alcohol poisoning

holy shit

this was eric at his sickest
a la brownie incident

well
its just another memory in the bank
and even though i feel like
a walking bag of poo
i can't help but laugh

how do we decide who we are?
is it even our decision?
i wonder if the definition of me
is based solely on what i make of my self
or what effect i have on the world

this is important, because right now
im not sure who i am
im not even sure how i am
i really do feel like i may be missing a part of myself

i cant tell for sure

im all over the place
and with no finish line in sight
how can i keep up the pace?

Steinberg made me a wax heart

i couldnt tell you why
but for the last couple days or so
i feel like im rushing towards something
i dont know what

its like if physics were in reverse
and i was on an old bicycle

riding up a mountain
and i keep gaining speed
and i know that i will fall at the top

fall deep down into the sky
where i can see everything

i want to know what im headed towards
because its pulling me forward
its not a bad feeling
if anything
it makes me feel more alive than i have in a while

im just waiting for something to happen

couple things:

i had cereal, cheese, and beer for dinner
im an idiot

i wonder if smoking in my room with the windows open
is a good idea...
i think it would make my room smell good
but then again, not everyone thinks camel crushes
smell like delicious

im actually a man-child
great

wait so long

covered by mcs

there are things that i can't quite put out there
im afraid that once my thoughts
become visible in the air
they become real things

i know it doesnt make any sense
but thats the way it is

sometimes i get the feeling that
im just not quite all there
its a scary thought

theres a lot of scary things in the world
that i think im in denial of
maybe im just refusing to believe in such things
and thats a good thing

but maybe its not

who knows what is real
and what isnt?

the only way to know for sure
is to actually experience it and live it
and not just imagine it
over and over in your mind

its scary to put yourself out there
and wonder if everything will work out

if you could tell me the truth
i think that would help
(and i dont mean that in an angry or accusatory way,
that's just how i feel)

but that i suppose is in the past

here is a list of things that i think of:

i really wonder what would have become of us

i still can't be sure of what was the right thing to do

i dont try to stop myself from imagining you're here still
(especially when its cold and i feel alone)

i dont know if what keeps us apart
is something we could have worked out

the worst part is that i won't ever know
because i know you won't let me be a part of you again
(at least thats what i think)

i really hate myself for not being happy
even though i had it all,
but we both know thats not quite true
because not everything was all right

the absolute scariest thing is when i wonder
if you were really the one for me
and i stupidly let that go because i was weak

but like i said
how do you know?

only if you live it

if you ever feel like talking to me again
i would like to know.
at least i would like to know that you are somewhere out there
because you have dropped from my life for so long now
and i couldn't even tell you where you are
or what you're doing.

scary things, like i said.

in the end,
i sit here or there
wondering if things will work out.
if things were meant to be the way that they are.
if this is something you or i can move past.

let me know.

jeez i hope you read this.
you probably wont.

p.s. is this what closure is about?
or is this actually an opening?

we're on an island on the fourth of july/
looks like the tide is going home

fuck i want this

why does it have to be 9 days away?!

in case you didn't know
this is trampled by turtles

last night was pretty nuts
good times with ruggles

"your wishes won't ever come true
if you keep saying them out loud"

"in years to come, i will consequently be dying"

really odd thought -
"all we ever had is all around us"

hmm
i'm not sure why
but that one really made my thoughts go straight
out of this room into space

can't quite wrap my mind around it yet

in the words of Tunde Adebimpe:
"and i know stables my survival/
when there's music all around me and i haven't got a single word to say"

been listening to humbug by arctic monkeys
for the last two weeks
so i've decided to bring in some new music

up next:
band of horses
the national

i should just get a scarf and some toms now
what a hipster
j'accuse!

get ready arizona
eric woo is coming in june

woke up
reduced hair length
venti green tea lemonade
lab work at school for a bit
lunch with friends for a bit
grande cappuccino with two packs of brown sugar
back to school for a bit
back home
sleep forever
finally move to gingerbread 2.3.5

this day has simultaneously sucked and rocked

good times

whenever someone tells me to do something
i reply with
'fuck you, i won't do what you tell me!'

i don't think anyone's gotten the reference yet
so i just come off as a
tourettes-ish asshole

great

just accidentally listened to
'casimir pulaski day'
oops

i went to bed normally
and when i woke up
there was a little cut on my face

i'm not really sure how that happened

yes im hurting
but sometimes
life is hurting

i'll live