words

there are things that i can't quite put out there
im afraid that once my thoughts
become visible in the air
they become real things

i know it doesnt make any sense
but thats the way it is

sometimes i get the feeling that
im just not quite all there
its a scary thought

theres a lot of scary things in the world
that i think im in denial of
maybe im just refusing to believe in such things
and thats a good thing

but maybe its not

who knows what is real
and what isnt?

the only way to know for sure
is to actually experience it and live it
and not just imagine it
over and over in your mind

its scary to put yourself out there
and wonder if everything will work out

if you could tell me the truth
i think that would help
(and i dont mean that in an angry or accusatory way,
that's just how i feel)

but that i suppose is in the past

here is a list of things that i think of:

i really wonder what would have become of us

i still can't be sure of what was the right thing to do

i dont try to stop myself from imagining you're here still
(especially when its cold and i feel alone)

i dont know if what keeps us apart
is something we could have worked out

the worst part is that i won't ever know
because i know you won't let me be a part of you again
(at least thats what i think)

i really hate myself for not being happy
even though i had it all,
but we both know thats not quite true
because not everything was all right

the absolute scariest thing is when i wonder
if you were really the one for me
and i stupidly let that go because i was weak

but like i said
how do you know?

only if you live it

if you ever feel like talking to me again
i would like to know.
at least i would like to know that you are somewhere out there
because you have dropped from my life for so long now
and i couldn't even tell you where you are
or what you're doing.

scary things, like i said.

in the end,
i sit here or there
wondering if things will work out.
if things were meant to be the way that they are.
if this is something you or i can move past.

let me know.

jeez i hope you read this.
you probably wont.

p.s. is this what closure is about?
or is this actually an opening?