my life has been fresh prince'd so hard

these last couple of weeks

i just cannot fathom how the world thinks

people could cope with such whims

but i can definitely hang with this one.

blithely effervescent!

"sound is the colour i know,

sound is what keeps me looking for your eyes.

and sound of your breath in the cold,

and oh, the sound will bring me home again."

well it's like that feeling

not when you are about to jump off a cliff

or plunge your hand into a hole in the wall

filled with nasty insects to save your friend indy

it's more like someone's given you a lottery ticket

the day before the lottery system is dismantled

and you'll never find out if you would have won or not

except in a very good way.

holy sheets.

it is the brighter side of 8pm at the moment

and the entire apartment is,

as usually indicative of this time,

painted in quiet shades of orange, blue, and grey

the last remnants of the day that we took

as i have alluded to previously

this will be my 500th post on this blog;

some of those posts,

admittedly, are short, and unoriginal,

while others do more than their fair share

of unloading the samples of my inner dialogue

into some comprehensible (and somewhat reprehensible)

form.

i'd like to think that i'm a changed person

especially when comparing myself

to greatly past portrayals,

because of a few reasons:

1. i think all humans are capable of change if they choose to

2. sometimes change is necessary for survival

3. what lives is inherently dynamic and contends

greatly the forces at work that keep it still

there aren't too many people that could tell me

if i have changed or not

(in the whatever amount of time

you, or i, would like to gauge myself as having been changed).

i would ask them if they thought i was better this way,

if i made them happier,

if i lived a bit better.

at the heart of the matter

is the fact that you can see yourself in two ways:

either as a reflection of those around you,

being created over and over

by people's perceptions and reactions,

or as your very own entity,

that people can either accept or receive.

i think i have struggled with these two concepts greatly

over the past year or so,

because i feel like as i get older

(i know, "older", haha)

 i feel like it is so much more important for me

to know exactly who i am and what i stand for.

perhaps it is because i feel like that is the key

to figuring out how to achieve maximum happiness.

 i've gone through some very strenuous times

ever since that one event occurred last year

(i believe we all know, dear readers, what i refer to)

and i have kept coming up to the road block

in my driving excursion to the land of peace of mind

that i never fully just let it go;

it was one of those things where i couldn't make up my mind

and i struggled greatly at the makings of

"how?" and "why?"

i think that in the end, i was just plain unhappy with the fact that

i was never proud of the way i walked away 

from hardship and difficulties,

but there were so many other things going on

that it is hard to pinpoint one absolute cause.

needless to say, many moons have sung their song

and i am at this junction in life

where i can go so many ways.

i can't say that i am always happy;

in fact, i think lately it would be more appropriate to say

that i am more unhappy than not.

as much as i can, i try to work on these things,

but deep down, i know my hands are forever tied

by the strings that connect my neurons and my heart.

i fervently promise, dear readers,

that this post is not meant to be any kind of

depressor, a laundry list of emotions

that bring the good ship down in a cacophony of 

sadly true wordplay and boisterous denial.

i enjoy life. i really do.

here it is:

i think it's time that i let the world be beautiful for me once more.

dum spiro spero

as always.

 

i don't think i've fallen in love so quickly

as i have with 'the rip tide' by beirut

when i think of myself as a creature

i imagine some kind of spider made of glass

with my legs pointing everywhere

clear and hard as day

if you could pet a spider, would you?

1 more to go til 500!

i promise i'll make it good 

(20 minutes later)

jk i think i fell in love with 'the flying club cup' faster
 hard to say, really
when love is so fast!

i wonder what kind of effect having a blog has

on my day-to-day activities

because i spend so much of this space

writing things i can never say out loud

and i can't imagine it doesn't have an effect on my life

(yes, yes a double negative. fuck you.)

i guess i'll never be really comfortable

with being honest with everyone

but i don't think that's as much of an issue

as it was for me before

because i'm more honest more of the time

gee this post is so great

i fucking suck, i know

hey at least i made myself laugh with this one

quite an eventful weekend

i haven't felt this content in a while

but i won't get too crazy with it

or at least that's what i'm telling myself

haha

now on to doing some things!

i pretty much haven't stopped listening to "Go"

since it's been out

although i've been sprinkling some new shit

like Cloud Nothings and Andrew Bird here and there

there are some things in MCS songs

that rip quickly into my valves

"i won't say 'i'm sorry'

this hasn't been a waste of time.

tell me, do you think we'll be fine after all?

i'm all nerve, an anxious, sort of complicated fear;

the worst is yet to come, my dear."

i think this is why sleep doesn't come so easily

4 more posts until my 500th

i thought when i was smaller

and life was much bigger

that time would go on

and i would get bigger

and life would get smaller

the day before i left home

i drove around for a while

and then i parked

and i cried for a while

then i started my car up again

rolled down the windows

and drove home

sometimes i feel like there are

so many strange things out there in the world

that i will never understand

and that's what makes living so beautiful

and so scary at the same time

two things i want to run by you, dear readers:

is it weird that even though i'm home i'm already feeling

homesick and sentimental?

i suppose it's because i'm leaving tomorrow

also

if everyone acted pretentiously,

wouldn't that at some point be considered

high society?

(for those who didn't quite catch it

i was being satirical)