surety

it is the brighter side of 8pm at the moment

and the entire apartment is,

as usually indicative of this time,

painted in quiet shades of orange, blue, and grey

the last remnants of the day that we took

as i have alluded to previously

this will be my 500th post on this blog;

some of those posts,

admittedly, are short, and unoriginal,

while others do more than their fair share

of unloading the samples of my inner dialogue

into some comprehensible (and somewhat reprehensible)

form.

i'd like to think that i'm a changed person

especially when comparing myself

to greatly past portrayals,

because of a few reasons:

1. i think all humans are capable of change if they choose to

2. sometimes change is necessary for survival

3. what lives is inherently dynamic and contends

greatly the forces at work that keep it still

there aren't too many people that could tell me

if i have changed or not

(in the whatever amount of time

you, or i, would like to gauge myself as having been changed).

i would ask them if they thought i was better this way,

if i made them happier,

if i lived a bit better.

at the heart of the matter

is the fact that you can see yourself in two ways:

either as a reflection of those around you,

being created over and over

by people's perceptions and reactions,

or as your very own entity,

that people can either accept or receive.

i think i have struggled with these two concepts greatly

over the past year or so,

because i feel like as i get older

(i know, "older", haha)

 i feel like it is so much more important for me

to know exactly who i am and what i stand for.

perhaps it is because i feel like that is the key

to figuring out how to achieve maximum happiness.

 i've gone through some very strenuous times

ever since that one event occurred last year

(i believe we all know, dear readers, what i refer to)

and i have kept coming up to the road block

in my driving excursion to the land of peace of mind

that i never fully just let it go;

it was one of those things where i couldn't make up my mind

and i struggled greatly at the makings of

"how?" and "why?"

i think that in the end, i was just plain unhappy with the fact that

i was never proud of the way i walked away 

from hardship and difficulties,

but there were so many other things going on

that it is hard to pinpoint one absolute cause.

needless to say, many moons have sung their song

and i am at this junction in life

where i can go so many ways.

i can't say that i am always happy;

in fact, i think lately it would be more appropriate to say

that i am more unhappy than not.

as much as i can, i try to work on these things,

but deep down, i know my hands are forever tied

by the strings that connect my neurons and my heart.

i fervently promise, dear readers,

that this post is not meant to be any kind of

depressor, a laundry list of emotions

that bring the good ship down in a cacophony of 

sadly true wordplay and boisterous denial.

i enjoy life. i really do.

here it is:

i think it's time that i let the world be beautiful for me once more.

dum spiro spero

as always.