finding something to build on

i don't mind that i'm not okay.

honestly i think i am for the most part.

but some days, like today, things fall apart

and i am miserable with the thought of my

self-made loneliness.

then i get angry at myself for thinking that

i don't actually have things to cherish.

it's a cycle of exasperation,

but i know that sometimes i can't help myself.

it's specifically days like these,

when i get so tired of reading about dreams.

maybe reading so much murakami has taken a toll on me.

i wish i were as big as the sun

and i could swallow all the clouds in the sky.

maybe you would look up and wonder

where all of the clouds have gone

and realize i left the vast, immeasurably blue canvas

for you to be able to find me again.

some amount of days from now,

i will be back to my other self.

and that is all i can look forward to.

edit:
i can't stop myself from still thinking about you.
but that's not news; it's unavoidable.
without doing a single thing,
you hold me down in the best/worst way possible.
knowing i did what i had to do doesn't make it easier.

sometimes i catch myself getting lost in your face again,
and i hope more than anything else the next time
it doesn't hurt so much.
even after all this time,
trying my best to not talk to you (and obviously failing at times),
you seem to be the largest part of my life
that isn't myself.

i have to get these words out
so i can stop breaking my own heart.