"tread softly stranger/
move over to the danger that you seek."
- from "the jeweller's hand" by the arctic monkeys
i find myself incoherent and nigh inexplicable
when i fall into my vices as i did for the last week or so.
as things settle down, however,
i am encouraged by the fact that as i continue
to understand myself and grow more patient,
i leave smaller messes to clean up in the future.
when i do get depressed, i feel like a stranger
takes over my place in the world;
a stranger by way of not knowing
which thoughts swirl behind his burdened eyes,
or why he seems to be stuck in place.
before, this stranger would throw his weight around,
leaving malice-lined prints and eddies of self-loathing behind
for me to take care of.
some of the hardest times was trying to deal with
this unwanted stranger's baggage on my own,
because i was too stubborn to ask for help.
now i know that he is transient,
a face that i have definitely acknowledged in passing
but not allowed to stake a claim.
of course, he still keeps my world littered
with scribbled pages of nonsense,
cigarette butts, and even the occasional escape
to someplace where no one will know you
poured your heart out of your eyes.
but these are inconveniences compared to
what i dealt with before, and i am glad that
at least i have grown up to that point.
i still feel like everything i write is frustratingly indecipherable,
but i'm trying so hard to make progress.
maybe a couple more days,
or a few more late night drives to clear my mind.
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