despair in the big picture

as a way to use my considerably large amount of free time

in some credible way (although to whom i would receive credit from

i cannot fathom in the slightest)

i am attempting to write more.

here are the most glaring problems i have faced so far:

1. i am not a smart man. i have neither the training nor capacity

to take on a project the scale of which i will allow to get myself behind.

in essence, i do not wish to write something solely for the sake of it's existence,

or for my own satisfaction; i want to write something that actually means something

to other people who might venture to read it.

the issue inherent with that is that i am not a writer.

i do not possess the tools to flesh out my thoughts in a cohesive manner,

nor in a way that will make whatever i create meaningful on a level

comprehensible to literate adults

(as in not just some plot-driven flash in the pan

with no point and all show).

2. i cannot choose a topic concrete enough to write about.

i know i want to approach the subject of "the state of society"

a la DFW, but there are inherent issues with that as well.

for one, i have no idea what the state of society really is;

the concept itself is vague and encompasses such a large amount of subject matter

that i do not know who/what/when/where/how to approach it from/with/from/from/

(that actually works on its own).

also, even if i attempt to make some grand point about "society",

it will come from my incredibly sheltered view of it,

considering i am part of a privileged group that experiences things

very differently than others in the same country, state, and even city, no less.

i have no point-of-view that allows me any sort of "expertise"

in what the collective consciousness of the nation
(which is the largest population of people i feel like i can comment on

without being a complete ignoramus)

is at the moment, or how it has changed over the past decade,

or even the past year.

the only entrances i have to the masses are bits of pop culture,

the internet and its relevance on why i find myself surrounded by assholes (essentially),

a small amount of knowledge on the effect of the incredible

diversity of media available to just about everyone with some money,

and a cursory taste of california in all its golden glory.

3. my life. or, more specifically, my choices that have led

to me being who i am now.

i firmly believe that if i had stuck to my convictions,

i would have been drunkenly happy working at a shitty cafe

while going to school to learn how to properly write

and simultaneously keeping my parents' hearts deeply unsettled.

i am not saying i do not like where i am now.

i love my job, and i love the possibilities it has afforded me.

but really, i am a fairly simple creature in terms of needs,

and i would ultimately have been better off putting my sometimes fervent

energies into something creative rather than concrete.

obviously, 99% of those who read this might conclude that

i have, in fact, been the most covertly pretentious person you have ever known,

and that i mock more or less any writer that does not fit my standard

of writing as an attempt to convey ideas of great importance.

i understand your dismay, and in fact, i am frequently irritated at myself,

frustrated even, that i am so quick to dismiss most writing, and actually

most creative output, as "trivial" (anyone who has heard me rant about

bruno mars can chime in on this).

i realize the determination, courage, hard work, and strength of will

it takes to write even the lowliest of paperback romances,

and i commend completely anyone who does it.

the fact of the matter is, i have none of those;

i have always placed in high esteem those who have such traits,

whether it translates to writing, music, film, art, and even religion.

in many ways, i find writing to be analogous to practicing religion

in that one must have a fervent belief in something,

and not be afraid to put their own existence on the backburner

for something greater than themselves.

this is the part where i could delve deeper into what religion means to me

and why i use it as an example here, but that would require a level of effort

i seem to have misplaced last night around 2am when i could not sleep.

maybe one day, i will be able to translate my observations about the

world that i fight to exist in comfortably into some print on paper,

but i fear that day is not now.

the only thing i suppose i could do is to work at it little by little.

and that is what i intend to do.