i would like to believe that genuine love has no motives.
as much as i can choose to love someone,
once that love exists, it does so infinitely all the way down.
it would become just another facet of my existence,
as pervasive as a phantom limb - a polydactylism of
the hands that work me.
although i boast of fearlessness,
the reality is that i might just not be scared of the same things as you may be.
the reason i am scared of falling in love is that,
as of right now, i do feel an internal drive to find it.
i recognize that this is recursive,
but the reason i want to find love is that i want to love someone.
because loving someone would be proof that i can.
i hope to find the strength inside me to be selfless,
to accept that i am not so broken that someone could love all parts of me,
to find patience in times i am burdened.
there is a parallel, i think, between this
and my lack of fear of death.
i would just rather choose to live for the sake of
the beauty that is life.
i will tell anyone who will listen that to live
is to be sad/hurt/confused/deconstructed sometimes,
to accept the bad with the good as it were.
while that is true, i am as vulnerable and weak as any other person,
and the pain of these things i meekly carry around
until my dying day.
because i believe love should not serve a purpose,
and because i want love to serve a purpose,
i am trying my hardest to choose to not look for love,
but to let it come to me in time.
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