as usual i endeavor to wrap up what an outside observer

might consider the somewhat farcical, sometimes dramatic,

and somehow comical jumble of events that i call my life

right before new years day.

generally i forget much of what has happened because

1. i am incredibly forgetful

2. most of what happens to me is pretty forgetful

but i'll try really hard to mesh together

the "chaotic and twirly" year i lived into

a coherent string of thoughts and feelings

first,

i find it a useful tool to look back at this time last year

to have some kind of comparison as to what my life is like now.

clearly there were things that i knew would happen

and things i had no clue would happen.

i was pretty adamant about staying sulky

and more or less bulbous in spirit for a long time,

trying desperately to figure out exactly

who, or what, i was/am/will become.

it took a long time but i think i may have

at least done a little bit of work on that front

in terms of having a clearer perspective on

who i am;

if not, at least i know what i aspire to be

of course there were months of tomfoolery.

months and months, in fact

and i had not an immeasurable amount of fun

during that period of time.

you and i both know, dear readers,

that i have not been kicking around the earth for an extended session,

but if there is any wisdom that these 23 short years has taught me,

it is that your life will not quite go the way that you planned,

so you might as well accept everything that comes your way

with a resigned smile and maybe some diet pepsi.

well, this year was no different in this regard;

if anything, i gained even more proof of this doctrine of mine

and in a big way.

long story short, i am enamored yet again

and hibernating deeper and deeper into

the season of monogamy

with a girl that beggars belief in so many ways.

she is ridiculously good looking,

as per zoolander standards,

and she is as zany as i am,

sometimes even more so.

i shan't go riffing on this topic for too long,

but needless to say,

this was the defining feel good catch of my year.

the more astute reader will notice that
as of this post,
i will have written 99 posts this year.
i was initially trying to get to 100 to make things more even,
but i decided not to because of several reasons:
1. i did not want these last posts to feel forced
2. i wanted the imperfection to be a reminder
that even though this last year was,in some ways,
quite a mess, it was still such a wonderful time,
opening my eyes to what truly makes someone feel alive.
life doesn't have to be always perfect, or even mostly perfect.
you just have to take what life gives you
and realize that things can only get better.
3. i hope to use this as a reminder to try and stay more diligent
with my posting, so that i can perhaps reach 100 next year.

perhaps i have failed with my attempt to keep things coherent.
i do feel as if i've rambled more than i would have liked.
unfortunately, as it is customary with these things,
i have too many things i want to say
but too little talent to say so clearly and succinctly.

all i can tell you, dear readers,
is that i've learned something important in these
last 5 months (or so) that pat and i have had together.
love pushes us to do what we were meant to do.
it's quite universal, actually, if you look closely.
you will see people doing things that make no sense to you
whatsoever, and yet to them it is all perfectly clear
because they do it for love.
from their perspective, there is nothing else
they could be doing than to re-affirm that
love really does drive us all to be who we are.
take detective lassiter from 'psych' for instance,
who truly crystallized this idea for me.
he is about to become divorced with a woman that he
still loves dearly, and yet accepts this fate,
saying this:

"...it's not about the past anymore; it's about tomorrow.
so i'm not gonna say a word. you know that i want to,
i want to scream to the sky that i would do anything
to get you back. but i'm going to let you go, because
that's what you want. once you walk out that door
i'm going to let go of everything i've been holding on to,
so we can both have tomorrow. bye victoria."

this is a person that is continually irate and irascible,
yet this tiny crack in the gateway that holds his private life
shows that love gives him the strength to do something
he would not, or even could not, do.

i never imagined i would be so moved by something
a character from a tv show said,
a line that is both old-fashioned and unoriginal.
but those who have crossed paths with love
as i have know that love is a part of everyone's history,
and even though sometimes we try to play revisionist
the facts are the facts and things must be said
that have been said time and again.

i fear yet again i have veered off
so i shall right this ship and set sail for the times to come.
i hope that your new year will be filled with great things,
perhaps even life-changing things,
and that you take it all in stride and enjoy it.

happy new year.

the only door to your heart is now.
there is no past that holds you close,
nor future that pulls away.
now will be a gift for you always.

in time you will bask in the burdens
and become a heartfelt species of your own,
just as every pair of hands around you
shape their craft in the labor of love.

once you surrender to the tide,
letting its definitions compel you to act,
then you will know why the words
are written as they are forever.

i know this sounds crazy

but sometimes i peruse reddit threads

that are along the lines of

"ladies, what is the best way you've ever been asked out?"

(which come up once every week or so)

just in case i get in so much trouble with pat

that i actually have to ask her out again

for her to like me

and the only way to do that is if i made some sort of

grandiose romantic gesture

i realize this scenario is far-fetched,

yet i legitimately believe this could happen

ive been cooped up at home for a couple of days now

and im already feeling the pervasive wanderlust

that comes every time i spend time here

fortunately i find it so beautiful around here

that i dont consider this a complete waste of time/

a bitter retreat to some hellish dirt hole

erik is coming in tomorrow

looking forward to long nights of

beer/diet ginger ale/snacks that mrs. hart feeds me/skip-bo/doing nothing

i won't get to this tomorrow i suspect

so here goes:

have a very merry christmas, friends and family and close ones.

i hope that your year was filled with as many joyous occasions

as mine was.

if anyone was half as lucky as i am to have all this in their lives,

well they would still be one lucky son of a gun.

and a very special merry christmas to a certain

lovely lady who seemingly endeavors to be living in a zip code

far away from mine;

in the days that i strive to dodge the capricious 

nature of livelihood,

i count the stake you made for my heart

as a generous sign of what i can be.

thank you for everything.

now go bugger off, all ye who read these words,

and be with the ones you cherish the most.

back again from a seemingly quick weekend

off in the wondrous place that is

cramped and full of boisterous laughter at all times of the night.

i always feel odd when i come back from visiting pat

because of several things:

1. i get used to sleeping with someone really quickly

and it feels uncomfortable on my bed on my own

2. i find everything to be TOO BIG.

this is crazy, i know, but for some reason

everything in her world is small...

as if she designed her own environment

to fit her petite lifestyle.

3. there is always that sense of missing

and it's deep and unsettling.

at the same time, i feel it re-affirms

my feelings for her and this relationship.

i could say that i love everything she does,

from her facial expressions to the way

she smells my neck to the way

her hand reaches for mine so firmly

and wraps around my thumb

because it's too small to cover much else
(kind of a parallel to the way she holds

my entire body; maybe she tries

to cover me up so we can have a moment

just to ourselves, a full moment?)

instead i'll just leave it to this:

i am beside myself with that dizzying brand of happiness

when she is around.