originally posted by "ThePeanutBuddha" on reddit

entitled:
"Do The Creep, hah..."

i know i might be sleep-lirious

considering i slept late and just woke up

but i could not stop laughing at this thing.

the title is what does it for me:

"hah"

fuuuuuuuuuuuck! getting on that roflcopter now!

for some extra funnies
read the comments

i'm not so sure why i like 'party in the usa' so much

but that is one of the most inexplicably catchy songs ever written.

i just finished watching 'pitch perfect'

and i liked it, but the fake backing vocals for

most of the performances drove me a bit crazy.

i'm delving deeper and deeper to find

some new stuff to listen to

so that i can go deeper and deeper.

right now, i'm ingesting some radical face,

city and colour, american football,

and some others i can't recall.

also, i'm pretty sure i like onerepublic

enough to not call it a guilty pleasure.

two things:

1. i spent a good 10 minutes today

carrying around nala in my arms against her will

and singing beirut songs to her.

2. i started watching 'parks and rec'

and i can't get over how much the guy that plays

mark brendanawicz, paul schneider,

looks so much like tennis legend roger federer.

see for yoselvez:

i spent a great weekend in san diego,

visiting katie for her

(although technically ours

as her mom wished to play revisionist)

graduation party at a wonderfully remote location,

as well as celebrating her roommate's birthday.

i'm not quite sure why i'm so terrified of

meeting new people,

especially people my age,

especially since i'm not socially inept,

especially since it seems that most people

have a favorable first impression of me,

especially since i'm most likely never going to

see these people again.

i guess i get worried that:

a. people will think i care too little or

b. i actually care too much

(about whether they like me or not).

either way,

i get the heebie jeebies from meeting people in groups,

although i seem to fare better internally

in one-on-one situations.

when i drove back home,

there was some serious rain occurring

on the freeway;

as graceful as the plumes of water

were that exploded out behind the cars in front of me,

the lack of visibility they caused did make me uneasy.

never have i seen so much rain

as i have seen today.

some might say that's irony,

while i call it a paradox.

either way, it was quite odd that the desert

was experiencing such inclement weather.

however, this was the first time

that i finally, actually, understood

why some people find rain so beautiful.

i stepped out of my front door just for a second,

just to see if the rain let up slightly.

the first thing that hit me was the smell

of every single object around me

drenched in water.

the second was the sight of the pavement growing

darker as it soaked up more and more moisture,

as well as the pool of water on the flower beds

and our perennially dry birdbath filling up.

finally, the relentless noise filled my head,

and it reminded me of the sound that

comes from mint's head when i pat her,

like a very satisfying, minute, but audible pat

multiplied by whatever number of watery bits

flew to their demise in our front yard.

these senses came at me all at once, really,

and i was overwhelmed for just one moment,

but that was enough.

i felt this comfort and lack of unease i haven't found

in a long time in that instance.

it left me breathless.

that, i suppose,

is the healing power of water

on the desert-beaten conscious.

the routine for these days includes:

losing my phone at least 4-5 times a day

in this not-so-enormous house,

getting my throat stepped on by mint

whenever i lie down next to her

and she decides climbing on me is fun,

running on the asphalt

instead of the sidewalk to passively

annoy my mom (passive because she doesn't know),

and more or less counting down

these ho-hum days until i can get my license

and i can start living my real life.

until then, i'll just stare at my spiderman

and stormtrooper bobble heads

while browsing through just about

every single .jpeg posted on the internet

and blissfully turning into a bluish plant.

stop me if you've heard this one.

only 2:30 pm and the internet

is already full of delicious today

"honestly i can't remember teen dreams"

- honestly? from 'american football'

i was looking through my senior year hs yearbook yesterday

as i often do when i'm at home

one particular thing that caught my eye

was sara healy's message

right on the third page

what i gleaned from her

lovely arched script

(which i find most girls of that age seem to produce effortlessly

and i find innocently charming)

were several things:

1. she wanted to drink with me

before graduation, during the summer,

and any time i ever visited her in SB

2. she was overly fond of me

even though we did not meet until senior year

3. in my rather puny attempts to

define myself with girls at that age,

i never realized i should've talked to her.

now she's off in who-knows-where

and it is a bit disparaging

that i will most likely never have

even a smirnoff ice with her

but that's the life you choose

when you come back home

and you're the last bastion of your cohorts

gonna start running again tonight after...

whatever months.

fuck.

edit:
also, i think (as i told linda at some
tumultuous hour of my night/her morning)
'silver linings playbook'
might actually be supplanting
'friday night lights'
as my all time favorite movie.

"there will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy,
but i like that, just like all the other parts of myself. i can forgive.
can you say the same for yourself, fucker? can you forgive? are you capable of that?"

- tiffany maxwell from 'silver linings playbook'

i was watching this at 3am
and even though i was alone in bed,
i still felt like the entire world around me disappeared,
and she was speaking only to me.

wanted to write all this down before i nearly forgot.

as the more astute reader will recognize,

the third part of "a heartfelt species" was written ages ago.

i actually managed to finish it earlier on, but i wrote the final

(or technically, the first) part in my notebook,

which was then whisked away from me for a while.

i'm back home now,

and so far so good.

it was jarring to pass by the cities

pat and i used to spend time together in, though.

i miss that quite badly.

other than that,

i'm as ready as can be for whatever's coming.

sip for a burst of something new,
just as sweet as the place you think of.
a kiss will take you through the senses
while the air and faces acclimate.

beneath a routine of night noises
a heartfelt species opens up to you in bed,
conversing with the comforts of your heart
(to the familiarity of feeling).

after everything, love will dabble
between the transiency of desire and
all lengths of our intimate treaties formed,
soaked, in tales of days crossed off.

first, i'd like to point out that it is currently 3:42am.

for the last 1.5 hours, i have been adding one new album on my phone

and fixing a minor, albeit incredibly vexing, issue

where four of the albums that were uploaded to my phone

had duplicates of each song;

when one of the duplicates was manually deleted,

then the other file would not play.

essentially, i have been fiddling with and troubleshooting

the music storage system of my phone

for an hour and a half of my life

just so that i could remove approx. 40 redundant files

and add 13 more.

what. the. actual. fuck.

in other news, i turned 24 a couple of days ago.

people have been asking me how that feels,

and my go-to shitty answer has been

"well it's definitely better than being stuck at a prime number."

hyuk hyuk hyuk.

i did have a great time with my friends going out for my birthday

although it was not quite what i envisioned this particular

post-delivery anniversary to be.

these are all rather absurd mumblings anyhow.

until i get home and clear my head for a bit

i will be, and have been, too wishy washy to believe a word of it.

if you did believe a word of it, dear readers,

then you are exuding empathy out of your fingers

and you need to cut it out.

there are moments

when i am genuinely happy and i don't curse myself.

i'm just worried that if i go home and end up losing

the very last pieces of this particular life,

those intermittent breaks from disparity

will ultimately disappear and i'll be stuck with just myself.

which, given the amount of memories preserved in my heart,

would be devastating to the ol' ticker.

so i will let myself blow out the candles stuck

firmly between the grooves of my grey matter,

and wish for time to catch up with where i want to be.

for further self-reference,

do not take two tabs of melatonin again.

it makes sleeping weird.

since i don't have any energy at the moment

due to last night's foibles,

here's something really easy to do:

i doubled down on the melatonin tonight

so i'm feeling an odd mixture of drowsiness and anxiety

when i walk around by myself

i can see the words i'd like to say

tipping right into the front of my brain

but it's hard to get them out

i think this is exemplary of my perceived

lack of control on my life

i do feel like i'm caroming through this vast city

looking for every grate and seam

before i have to leave again

and yet i feel so mixed about whether i do want to go

it looks like i wasn't designed intelligently

"i know i love you, and you love the sea/

but what holy water contains a little drop, little drop for me?"

i missed you tonight, arizona.
i was staring up at my own sky
and remembered yours instead.
there were stars and futures
kept between everything else
and the bench i sat in,
while the smoke too warm to be comfortable
left my body.

i miss you while i am not a part of you, arizona.
i never called you home,
but you never kept your distance from me.
all the rustling trees that make noise
(from their branches too gnarled to
keep to themselves when things push them)
told me i found a place to dig in
and visit when i am disorientated.