been fighting with my sheets/
and nearly crying in my sleep.
yes, i'm battling that well taught gripe/
the most restraining type;
you should have racing stripes.

the thought of you
has me in a bind right now

i fight with my mind on the line

it was windy outside

that reminded me that even though
everything in the world is beautiful
in its own way

theres a reason why things are the way they are

i can't explain it better than that

im trying to find peace in solitude
and its tough

i wish i could expand my brain
make it as big as that one mountain

and people would be able to understand
what was going on

if i want to feel happy

i wrote down a list a little while ago
of things that made me happy
and things that didn't make me happy

it was a dumb list

things that make me happy

i like venti green tea lemonades (wish i could put a tilde on that sucker)
4 pumps of sweetener, please

sometimes thinking of how fucked up
my life has been for a while
actually makes me smile a little bit

the absurdity of existence escapes almost all of us

primer

i am sitting in my room
and the lights are on
and there isn't much noise

the phone vibrates

descending back to reality
i think i could use a little break

gah
i deserve some happiness, right?
even if it means reaching deep inside
and dusting off a face i keep trying to forget

even if it's just for a moment

im up right now
see me later when im down
and you'll know

and i can't be asked to carry on/
in this debate that reappears/
oh when you say 'i don't care'/
but of course i do, yeah, i clearly do

i think the worst is that
i havent talked to her in so long
or that i very well possibly will never say
another word to her again

when i think of that
that usually makes me cry or something

to be honest
i would just keep saying goodbye
just so that i would be able to keep talking
even though that would be the last thing
i would ever want to say

i think im hurt in a way
that i dont think i couldve ever imagined
i could do to myself

and i don't think i could ever understand
and i dont think i could ever be the same

i just want these razor sharp pains
to miss me and hit the walls
fall down harmlessly
and even just disappear

"sometimes i can't believe it/
i'm movin' past the feeling"

or something
always "or something"
i don't know

i've had a few good days
today was kind of tough

started listening to humbug by the arctic monkeys
pretty good stuff

my thoughts get outfluxed by my emotions
i kind of wish i could write stuff down
when i have things in my head

overall, life is still looking pretty suckish
but at least im still alive

im not paranoid
but im pretty sure don't cry by deerhunter
was made for me

pulling some oldies while i attempt to
absorb some removable for tomorrow
got some green day going (dookie, to be precise)
and im ready to head the fuck out of this town

that's right
fuck this noise
im done with this nonsense

i can't get myself to care any more
than i already have
so why don't i just leave it on the table for now
and focus on what i have

these are the times
i could get used to growing up

why can't i be a piece of paper
anyone could rip me up into pieces and throw me in the wind
and i'd get carried away without a word

why can't i be a song or even one note
anyone could play me and all of my sounds
would just float on to infinity
and no one could stop me

why can't i

i just don't want to be me

it's hard to see what to do

im so cluttered with life
and it's overwhelming

i need to change

i was going to write something
but then i changed my mind
so now im back to doing this

i never realized how stifling my room can be

going through some old music i have
some of it makes me cringe
some of it makes me smile

one little gem was saves the day:
"please please please mr. hox/
won't you tell your daughter that i'm all alone/
and i'm not handling this well"

i hate that at least twice a day i completely lose it
most of the time im just kind of coasting
but without fail
ill disappear into myself
and find a new hurt to hold on to
it's quite terrible

something i wrote a long time ago

it's odd that i've reverted back to
some kind of person that i was
in the past

i couldnt give less of a fuck
about my life right now
a day is just a day
and the only reason i enjoy
time going by is knowing that
it's the only chance i have

i like to sit and look at the city
there is a connection somehow
between it's sprawling beauty
and my detestable ability to yearn and remember

god damn i fucking hate myself

our heart doesn't play by rules/and love has its own demands

open my heart and let it/bleed onto yours

i can see my mind go in
so many different directions at once

things that i used to cherish
only bring me immense pain
i can't evade it

once in a while
when i go blank
i wonder when i can leave this place

things are tough
i don't really want to do anything
i go up the hill
and i try to breathe away my feelings

im not really sure of anything
every second feels different from the next
it's all upside down

im not even trying
i want to swallow the pain
make it mine
let it become myself
and walk him around the streets
showing his face to only myself
and we make a terrible pair

return to cookie mountain

the hardest part about being alone
is that sometimes dealing with reality is
too hard on your own

my life is nothing

if you read this
thank you for the letter
it means so much to me