as usual i endeavor to wrap up what an outside observer

might consider the somewhat farcical, sometimes dramatic,

and somehow comical jumble of events that i call my life

right before new years day.

generally i forget much of what has happened because

1. i am incredibly forgetful

2. most of what happens to me is pretty forgetful

but i'll try really hard to mesh together

the "chaotic and twirly" year i lived into

a coherent string of thoughts and feelings

first,

i find it a useful tool to look back at this time last year

to have some kind of comparison as to what my life is like now.

clearly there were things that i knew would happen

and things i had no clue would happen.

i was pretty adamant about staying sulky

and more or less bulbous in spirit for a long time,

trying desperately to figure out exactly

who, or what, i was/am/will become.

it took a long time but i think i may have

at least done a little bit of work on that front

in terms of having a clearer perspective on

who i am;

if not, at least i know what i aspire to be

of course there were months of tomfoolery.

months and months, in fact

and i had not an immeasurable amount of fun

during that period of time.

you and i both know, dear readers,

that i have not been kicking around the earth for an extended session,

but if there is any wisdom that these 23 short years has taught me,

it is that your life will not quite go the way that you planned,

so you might as well accept everything that comes your way

with a resigned smile and maybe some diet pepsi.

well, this year was no different in this regard;

if anything, i gained even more proof of this doctrine of mine

and in a big way.

long story short, i am enamored yet again

and hibernating deeper and deeper into

the season of monogamy

with a girl that beggars belief in so many ways.

she is ridiculously good looking,

as per zoolander standards,

and she is as zany as i am,

sometimes even more so.

i shan't go riffing on this topic for too long,

but needless to say,

this was the defining feel good catch of my year.

the more astute reader will notice that
as of this post,
i will have written 99 posts this year.
i was initially trying to get to 100 to make things more even,
but i decided not to because of several reasons:
1. i did not want these last posts to feel forced
2. i wanted the imperfection to be a reminder
that even though this last year was,in some ways,
quite a mess, it was still such a wonderful time,
opening my eyes to what truly makes someone feel alive.
life doesn't have to be always perfect, or even mostly perfect.
you just have to take what life gives you
and realize that things can only get better.
3. i hope to use this as a reminder to try and stay more diligent
with my posting, so that i can perhaps reach 100 next year.

perhaps i have failed with my attempt to keep things coherent.
i do feel as if i've rambled more than i would have liked.
unfortunately, as it is customary with these things,
i have too many things i want to say
but too little talent to say so clearly and succinctly.

all i can tell you, dear readers,
is that i've learned something important in these
last 5 months (or so) that pat and i have had together.
love pushes us to do what we were meant to do.
it's quite universal, actually, if you look closely.
you will see people doing things that make no sense to you
whatsoever, and yet to them it is all perfectly clear
because they do it for love.
from their perspective, there is nothing else
they could be doing than to re-affirm that
love really does drive us all to be who we are.
take detective lassiter from 'psych' for instance,
who truly crystallized this idea for me.
he is about to become divorced with a woman that he
still loves dearly, and yet accepts this fate,
saying this:

"...it's not about the past anymore; it's about tomorrow.
so i'm not gonna say a word. you know that i want to,
i want to scream to the sky that i would do anything
to get you back. but i'm going to let you go, because
that's what you want. once you walk out that door
i'm going to let go of everything i've been holding on to,
so we can both have tomorrow. bye victoria."

this is a person that is continually irate and irascible,
yet this tiny crack in the gateway that holds his private life
shows that love gives him the strength to do something
he would not, or even could not, do.

i never imagined i would be so moved by something
a character from a tv show said,
a line that is both old-fashioned and unoriginal.
but those who have crossed paths with love
as i have know that love is a part of everyone's history,
and even though sometimes we try to play revisionist
the facts are the facts and things must be said
that have been said time and again.

i fear yet again i have veered off
so i shall right this ship and set sail for the times to come.
i hope that your new year will be filled with great things,
perhaps even life-changing things,
and that you take it all in stride and enjoy it.

happy new year.

the only door to your heart is now.
there is no past that holds you close,
nor future that pulls away.
now will be a gift for you always.

in time you will bask in the burdens
and become a heartfelt species of your own,
just as every pair of hands around you
shape their craft in the labor of love.

once you surrender to the tide,
letting its definitions compel you to act,
then you will know why the words
are written as they are forever.

i know this sounds crazy

but sometimes i peruse reddit threads

that are along the lines of

"ladies, what is the best way you've ever been asked out?"

(which come up once every week or so)

just in case i get in so much trouble with pat

that i actually have to ask her out again

for her to like me

and the only way to do that is if i made some sort of

grandiose romantic gesture

i realize this scenario is far-fetched,

yet i legitimately believe this could happen

ive been cooped up at home for a couple of days now

and im already feeling the pervasive wanderlust

that comes every time i spend time here

fortunately i find it so beautiful around here

that i dont consider this a complete waste of time/

a bitter retreat to some hellish dirt hole

erik is coming in tomorrow

looking forward to long nights of

beer/diet ginger ale/snacks that mrs. hart feeds me/skip-bo/doing nothing

i won't get to this tomorrow i suspect

so here goes:

have a very merry christmas, friends and family and close ones.

i hope that your year was filled with as many joyous occasions

as mine was.

if anyone was half as lucky as i am to have all this in their lives,

well they would still be one lucky son of a gun.

and a very special merry christmas to a certain

lovely lady who seemingly endeavors to be living in a zip code

far away from mine;

in the days that i strive to dodge the capricious 

nature of livelihood,

i count the stake you made for my heart

as a generous sign of what i can be.

thank you for everything.

now go bugger off, all ye who read these words,

and be with the ones you cherish the most.

back again from a seemingly quick weekend

off in the wondrous place that is

cramped and full of boisterous laughter at all times of the night.

i always feel odd when i come back from visiting pat

because of several things:

1. i get used to sleeping with someone really quickly

and it feels uncomfortable on my bed on my own

2. i find everything to be TOO BIG.

this is crazy, i know, but for some reason

everything in her world is small...

as if she designed her own environment

to fit her petite lifestyle.

3. there is always that sense of missing

and it's deep and unsettling.

at the same time, i feel it re-affirms

my feelings for her and this relationship.

i could say that i love everything she does,

from her facial expressions to the way

she smells my neck to the way

her hand reaches for mine so firmly

and wraps around my thumb

because it's too small to cover much else
(kind of a parallel to the way she holds

my entire body; maybe she tries

to cover me up so we can have a moment

just to ourselves, a full moment?)

instead i'll just leave it to this:

i am beside myself with that dizzying brand of happiness

when she is around.

"every single smile and every single tear,

reminders of the moments we shared/

in the instant we were here."

goodbye, my little furry friend.

thanks for listening and annoying me when i needed it.

you will always have a place in my heart.

the people who care will care.

they will sit in silence while you do,

and cast your sadness upon themselves,

because they know how much it hurts.

the people who care won't leave

when things can't be held,

the problems can't be explained,

nor the solutions found.

they will find their own lapse of the world,

one just like your own so that

you don't have to be there by yourself.

the people who care magnify themselves

in the most beautiful way

when they need to;

when you need them to be what you can't be

and do what you can't do.

they will try their hardest to be you,

because only you understand what it is

that keeps you down at times,

to the point where they cry for you

and drift into a quiet stillness as you do the same.

that is why i will never forget the people who care,

and will forever be grateful.

that is why i will care as much as they do.

it's only fair.

thank you.

the incandescent seascape of my own

sleepless city looks sentimental again

in the cold evening before winter sets.

just before i drift back into

this world so little that i call to it so many times,

i soak in the looks of the night

to keep with me while time wanders by.

"hooray for the madness/

we are better by design.

let's hope we never have to/

say goodbye, say goodbye."

as i become more entranced

i see glimpses of my new reflections

and i try to make them better and better every time

i'm no longer waiting for the arrival
of something grand anymore
because i feel it's already here
and now it's up to me
to take it all in,
to once more believe in myself
and the world around me,
so that i can let all this loveliness
be a part of my life and make me better

i know i can

acct.

let us define this time,

by posting every whisper of

inspiration and declaration

through the news in our

lumbering afternoon warmth.

in between when i jump our cities

toward a jumbled romance

(for your record to keep),

i take in transit:

your smile and best embrace,

covering the lesser exhibits

to boast the grandeur of

something new and blissfully open.

just because i haven't really done anything here in a while

and i added this to my running playlist on my shuffle

and it's a pretty cool song

kind of makes me miss home

ha

"the good old days - the libertines"

"i'd like to tell you that i'm ready for whatever's coming/

but to be honest there's a part of me that loses control."

currently attempting to sing along to the entire

"Go" album by MCS from start to finish

while shyster online shopping

aka

livin' it up

i figured i would just put in words

what has been fast falling inside me for the last couple of days

i realize this may not be the best forum

but fuck, i can only listen to myself for so long

there are very few things in the world that i can't stand

and one of them is not being able to control myself

when i can't stop thinking and letting it all go to hell

without anything happening and closing

i don't like it when i'm not myself

above everything, i feel disappointed with the fact that

i am too weak to just move on and not let things get to me

but i keep hearing from people around me

that "it's not my fault" and

"i shouldn't let others affect me so much"

well what am i supposed to do when my body

doesn't listen and does whatever the fuck it wants

don't read this in a mad voice

read it in a fucking standstill

because i'm not mad

i'm everything but

-press-

in your dreams he is made of these

small, fine bubbles made by the crashing waves.

you put your hand through his outside

to see what he can hold,

and it startles you when your digits whisk

effortlessly through to another side.

then there is a noise, almost an afterthought,

breaking through the spaces left

after your simple test;

you tried to describe it later as not really a song,

because this noise has no concentrate,

and it immediately takes up your whole world

like no music could.

you only wish you had a moment to lay down

before you woke up and really soaked in

whatever whimsy blew up the night,

because you could have sworn

that in the moment you had the chance to listen,

his wistful airs began.

every night when i go to bed

i stumble into a sheepish mess of pillows

i keep this thought in my mind throughout the day

and if i need to i'll stop holding onto it

long enough for the not so quiet laughs

to sneak their way over me

and the weight of satisfaction

keeps me from blowing away too far

in so many ways

i count myself lucky

"you're the laziness of afternoons/

you're the reason why i burst and why i bloom"

you'll never forget your first love; mcs will always be there for me

when i'm too dumb

all that is left to do is hold on to the soft parting of the kiss that woke you into a dream world.

each day travels a bit differently in my mind,

with their own surprises and modesty.

i catch myself drifting off quite often lately,

when i am listless and feeling the usual

wistful waves for affections.

there are these small objects we've come to share

in our short time, small in the way

that this planet is compared to the universe;

in our minds, i suppose every

victory of a moment or cheer for the length gone by

and not driving ourselves to wit's end is momentous.

and some days, that is all i need to assure

my upkeep is paid and i can thrive.

you can bend your chair backwards

to breath in a space like this,

if only to stretch your legs,

as i walk my own length passing.

at times i wonder if you reflect

what i do in my feathered world,

sitting at your table kindled by the

rustle of my reminiscing joys to while away

the quiet times of missing you;

i, outside of all this, am oblivious

to your minutiae and yet left

to wonder why i glow so warmly

as you sing your little songs

and settle even farther into

my most private, indeterminable hallways.

"i think 'let's try redefining beautiful'"

when i come back to a point of my life

i'd like to think that i've changed enough

to have a new perspective

there are still discoveries to be made,

to be sure,

and that both excites me and leaves me apprehensive

but there's never a definite thing in life

so i think that is okay

a promise that i've made a few days ago

which i shall follow through on now

after i've had some time to think:

when i think of you,

i am filled with the splendor of a life yet lived,

the culmination of infinite pleasures to be had in the world

brought to me so unexpectedly and decidedly quick.

i would save every scrap of heart i could manage

and be comfortable leaving it in your hands

to mark and crease for tomorrow's plans,

even though we both know planning might not be your strongest suit.

i try hard with my words,

and i hope they haven't failed me this time.

more and more i consider the following:

this world is such a hilariously odd place to be living in.

on an unrelated note,

i've been working on some things

but i don't want to become a complacent writer

so i'm saving those things for later

when i feel like they're not completely lacking any notable qualities

on a semi-related note,

i couldn't be more complacent about coasting right now

but i can assure you that i am multiple notches above copacetic

in a way i am more incoherent when i am happy

than when i am unhappy

because when i am happy in my mind

everything becomes disconnected and colorful

and there are sounds coming from far away

and i just don't know what to do with that.

reading back on what i just wrote,

it sounds like i am now addicted to hallucinogens.

i can already feel myself sort of losing touch

with the rest of the world

but i'm actually fine with that for once

and i'm just going to be letting myself

be this exuberant for as long as i can

ride it.

my birthday was very very good

and outsidelands was very very good

honestly so many things are going so well in life right now

even when i'm doing nothing i feel good.

this is so good.

i feel very lucky to be this happy lately

i will like to chalk that up for future reference

there seems to be quite an odd disturbance in how i perceive time lately
a lot of fluctuation

i'm not sure what i meant to say with this
but i think that's just because my mind is besotted
how charming

"why do you keep your mind so far away?"

"because it's the only way i know how."

my life has been fresh prince'd so hard

these last couple of weeks

i just cannot fathom how the world thinks

people could cope with such whims

but i can definitely hang with this one.

blithely effervescent!

"sound is the colour i know,

sound is what keeps me looking for your eyes.

and sound of your breath in the cold,

and oh, the sound will bring me home again."

well it's like that feeling

not when you are about to jump off a cliff

or plunge your hand into a hole in the wall

filled with nasty insects to save your friend indy

it's more like someone's given you a lottery ticket

the day before the lottery system is dismantled

and you'll never find out if you would have won or not

except in a very good way.

holy sheets.

it is the brighter side of 8pm at the moment

and the entire apartment is,

as usually indicative of this time,

painted in quiet shades of orange, blue, and grey

the last remnants of the day that we took

as i have alluded to previously

this will be my 500th post on this blog;

some of those posts,

admittedly, are short, and unoriginal,

while others do more than their fair share

of unloading the samples of my inner dialogue

into some comprehensible (and somewhat reprehensible)

form.

i'd like to think that i'm a changed person

especially when comparing myself

to greatly past portrayals,

because of a few reasons:

1. i think all humans are capable of change if they choose to

2. sometimes change is necessary for survival

3. what lives is inherently dynamic and contends

greatly the forces at work that keep it still

there aren't too many people that could tell me

if i have changed or not

(in the whatever amount of time

you, or i, would like to gauge myself as having been changed).

i would ask them if they thought i was better this way,

if i made them happier,

if i lived a bit better.

at the heart of the matter

is the fact that you can see yourself in two ways:

either as a reflection of those around you,

being created over and over

by people's perceptions and reactions,

or as your very own entity,

that people can either accept or receive.

i think i have struggled with these two concepts greatly

over the past year or so,

because i feel like as i get older

(i know, "older", haha)

 i feel like it is so much more important for me

to know exactly who i am and what i stand for.

perhaps it is because i feel like that is the key

to figuring out how to achieve maximum happiness.

 i've gone through some very strenuous times

ever since that one event occurred last year

(i believe we all know, dear readers, what i refer to)

and i have kept coming up to the road block

in my driving excursion to the land of peace of mind

that i never fully just let it go;

it was one of those things where i couldn't make up my mind

and i struggled greatly at the makings of

"how?" and "why?"

i think that in the end, i was just plain unhappy with the fact that

i was never proud of the way i walked away 

from hardship and difficulties,

but there were so many other things going on

that it is hard to pinpoint one absolute cause.

needless to say, many moons have sung their song

and i am at this junction in life

where i can go so many ways.

i can't say that i am always happy;

in fact, i think lately it would be more appropriate to say

that i am more unhappy than not.

as much as i can, i try to work on these things,

but deep down, i know my hands are forever tied

by the strings that connect my neurons and my heart.

i fervently promise, dear readers,

that this post is not meant to be any kind of

depressor, a laundry list of emotions

that bring the good ship down in a cacophony of 

sadly true wordplay and boisterous denial.

i enjoy life. i really do.

here it is:

i think it's time that i let the world be beautiful for me once more.

dum spiro spero

as always.

 

i don't think i've fallen in love so quickly

as i have with 'the rip tide' by beirut

when i think of myself as a creature

i imagine some kind of spider made of glass

with my legs pointing everywhere

clear and hard as day

if you could pet a spider, would you?

1 more to go til 500!

i promise i'll make it good 

(20 minutes later)

jk i think i fell in love with 'the flying club cup' faster
 hard to say, really
when love is so fast!

i wonder what kind of effect having a blog has

on my day-to-day activities

because i spend so much of this space

writing things i can never say out loud

and i can't imagine it doesn't have an effect on my life

(yes, yes a double negative. fuck you.)

i guess i'll never be really comfortable

with being honest with everyone

but i don't think that's as much of an issue

as it was for me before

because i'm more honest more of the time

gee this post is so great

i fucking suck, i know

hey at least i made myself laugh with this one