another year gone by

and this one was a big one

for some reason

i feel like there are a lot of loose ends for me 

as i head off into 2012

i can't imagine what kind of things

will leave me flabbergasted in the year to come

but i'm going to do my best to prepare for

strange, wondrous times ahead

whenever i catch myself feeling down

i like to think that there are happy days coming for me

now, don't get me wrong dear readers,

i still have that realist sentiment deep inside me,

but the way i figure it is that if i don't think it will get better

then i might just disappear for good

there are a couple of resolutions i hope to keep

for the new year:

1. be kinder to myself

2. let things be

3. don't smoke (already 2 weeks in!)

i think if i can accomplish those three things

my life will become drastically better

to be honest,

i'm sort of rambling here

because i can't quite put in words

exactly how i feel right now,

so let's make a recipe:

eric woo (serves up to 2 people)

3 lemons

some leftover warmth from the desert sun

exhaustion (add to taste)

a tinge of sadness

half a hundredweight of regret

bake until hopeful

serve on a silver platter,

with a side of wondering

and a pinch of memories

i think, in the end,

only time will tell whether i will truly be happy again

or if not happy,

at least not dive into fits of despair

every time i try not to be sad (i know, ironic)

i will try really hard not to be such a downer,

if not for myself,

then at least for all those who despise seeing me like this

and besides,

who likes being around party poopers?

i'll never be whole again unless i make something

of myself (in some sense)

have a very happy new year

and i hope that all your future endeavors

are successful;

i hope that all of you out there

who took your time to care about me

know that i care deeply about you, too

and that i wish nothing but happiness

and cool shit for your future

"i'm afraid i tend to disappear

into an anxious state when you draw near.

there is no reasoning, it's quite a silly thing,

but it's the way i've been for years.

so i will understand if you don't stay.

they say i'm great at first, but then the magic fades

into an awful hue of dismal views

and pessimistic attitude."

my dear readers

if you haven't had much to ponder about

or read over for the last...

whatever amount of time,

don't fret

because i most certainly will be doing

one of those long-winded

wrap-ups for the year

sometime between tomorrow and the new year

or maybe sometime after the new year

so

get your popcorn ready

ps

i have been having some really terrible days

so don't expect too much from me

chandler made a great discovery

apparently at night

103.9 plays "mambo no. 5" continuously

what a strange world we live in

ah yes

the love of my life

the home constant

the one that,

in theory,

shan't get away

sometimes i wonder why i bother

feigning indifference

when i know that barely surviving

is hard enough

is it normal to be this way for this long?

but i want to do it anyway:

hello my fellow merrymakers
i hope your holiday season is going well

i don't really have much to say right now
but i do have a lot on my mind
perhaps when i am more capable of
expressing myself i'll get back on it

for right now,
i just want to thank all of you who have stuck with me
these past couple of months
you guys are the best gifts anyone could ask for

until we meet again

a few things that are going on right now
that lets me know the universe is up to no good:

1. on average, nicotine withdrawal withers away 3.4 eric woo's a year.

2. fucking palm desert doesn't even get good 3g.

3. i swear to god, if i see another black rav4 without
a tire cover for the spare, i will curse the nearest living thing,
whether it be a cactus or a grandma.

i think my life is in the genre of "dramedy" right now

"and as i gently sip this drink,
i think about my lack of future/
and all the places i can learn to fall in love."

so i'm halfway done with school
which feels very good
and i feel very good

these last couple of weeks have been like
one giant experiment
i feel myself bursting at the seam at times
and being dragged one way or another
and its been a pretty wild ride

i can't wait for this little break
and to get some fresh air
and to just relax for a second

happy holidays!

"I'm not one to ever pray for mercy,
or to wish on pennies in the fountain or the shrine;
but that day you know i left my money,
and i thought of you only/
all that copper glowing fine.

and i wonder what became of you.
what became of you."

"all the things i remember...
were they worth writing down?

so bury me in memories,
ck1 and tight white t's.
like air guitar, and muscle cars;
with perfect teeth the way we are."

had to throw this out there

quick mental note -
i keep waiting for someone to take a bat
and knock my heart right out of my chest

it's been a very hectic couple of weeks
lots to do and little time to do it

ive been happier than i have been in a while
but not so much so that i feel normal;
every once in a while, i catch myself
exploring the dustier aspects of my attic/brain

im not sure if anything has changed per se
i just keep hoping that something good will happen for me
whatever that may be

my current playlist:
fleet foxes - helplessness blues
beach house - teen dream
the weeknd - house of balloons

sometimes it would be nice if i had someone to talk to

just blather to someone
and they listened to me
about anything

ah whatever
here's a throwback

also, my 4 year old patient in pedo rotation
did a little drawing of me today
needless to say, my hair is kind of long right now:

made me laugh

here are some thoughts on what makes me happy lately:

fruity pebbles

i have moved from the special k to the fruity pebbles
due to several reasons. mainly, they are more fun to look at.
also, they are delicious

i get the sense that my life is lacking some qualities right now
when a. i have to revise a list of things that make me happy,
and b. that list happens to begin with cereal.

i'm hugely into the national now;
they are like cereal in music form.

the other day i said something funny at school
and people laughed.
that was pretty cool.

i think it would be awesome to own a cat
and maybe sit around on a lazy weekend
and watch it do antisocial things while i eat fruity pebbles.

did you know that at the bottom of the paper
that comes in an altoids can,
there is a comic that you can fill in?
i'll show you what i mean:

this is the altoids can with my keys next to them
so that i can prove this is my altoids can
this is the can that has been opened (with all the altoids gone);
notice the paper that is in the can to protect the mints
from the...metal or something

(the previous comment here has been redacted
because so much traffic has been coming into my blog
due to people searching a certain phrase
and it's bugging the crap out of me)
this is the surprise backside to the paper
notice how there is a bubble you can fill in for yourself
to make the situation hilarious
there is a suggestion to upload your "brilliance" on facebook
but seeing as how i don't have a facebook
i'll just post it here and no one will see it and that will be that
finally, the grand masterpiece
the cleverest part of the scenario which i have made for
the crazed scuba diver/radioactive material handler and pencilneck
is that they are both saying the same thing,
except i have added the French phrase "j'accuse!"
which roughly translates to "what is the meaning of this?! i accuse you for your fallacies!"
anyhow, i got a riot out of that
earlier tonight
jeez, i need to get some hobbies or something

if anyone has any suggestions as to improving this comic
let me know!
(echoes)

"what fuels the magic in the meantime/
i know it's hard without a vice.
we need to find a new solution/
an adaptation, a retribution;
if you truly do believe in something/
somehow it all works out."

"for the first time in a long time/
i can say that i want to try.
i feel helpless, for the most part/
but i'm learning to open my eyes.
and the sad truth of the matter is/
i'll never get over it, but i'm gonna try/
to get better and over come this moment/
in my own way.

i so want to get back on track/
and i'll do whatever it takes/
even if it kills me."

"and now we've realigned the edges.
i'm doing very well, i thank you;
all this empathy is starting to wear me down.

i wish i was someone else."

yes, i feel empty without you.

yes, i've never been so helpless.

yes, i don't know what i'm doing.

yes, i should forget this pitiful existence i lead now and move on.

but always, no.

"why are you so far away?" she said/
"why won't you ever know that i'm in love with you?"

in all this beauty there is some sadness

i missed you like it was yesterday

have a very happy thanksgiving

let the light of life invest itself
in the longings of your soul

until we meet again

boop

coax me out, my love/
sink into tomorrow.
coax me out, my love/
and have a spin of my propeller.

that moment of rediscovery
when you find something that is just so
like the middle bite of a cake
or the muted tick of a watch
in an endless room

things aren't always so bad

i wish there was someone here
to listen to 'illinois' with

i suppose i dont make the best company now

last night was very fun
(happy birthday again to jesse)
...but
i got serious alcohol poisoning

holy shit

this was eric at his sickest
a la brownie incident

well
its just another memory in the bank
and even though i feel like
a walking bag of poo
i can't help but laugh

how do we decide who we are?
is it even our decision?
i wonder if the definition of me
is based solely on what i make of my self
or what effect i have on the world

this is important, because right now
im not sure who i am
im not even sure how i am
i really do feel like i may be missing a part of myself

i cant tell for sure

im all over the place
and with no finish line in sight
how can i keep up the pace?

Steinberg made me a wax heart

i couldnt tell you why
but for the last couple days or so
i feel like im rushing towards something
i dont know what

its like if physics were in reverse
and i was on an old bicycle

riding up a mountain
and i keep gaining speed
and i know that i will fall at the top

fall deep down into the sky
where i can see everything

i want to know what im headed towards
because its pulling me forward
its not a bad feeling
if anything
it makes me feel more alive than i have in a while

im just waiting for something to happen

couple things:

i had cereal, cheese, and beer for dinner
im an idiot

i wonder if smoking in my room with the windows open
is a good idea...
i think it would make my room smell good
but then again, not everyone thinks camel crushes
smell like delicious

im actually a man-child
great

wait so long

covered by mcs

there are things that i can't quite put out there
im afraid that once my thoughts
become visible in the air
they become real things

i know it doesnt make any sense
but thats the way it is

sometimes i get the feeling that
im just not quite all there
its a scary thought

theres a lot of scary things in the world
that i think im in denial of
maybe im just refusing to believe in such things
and thats a good thing

but maybe its not

who knows what is real
and what isnt?

the only way to know for sure
is to actually experience it and live it
and not just imagine it
over and over in your mind

its scary to put yourself out there
and wonder if everything will work out

if you could tell me the truth
i think that would help
(and i dont mean that in an angry or accusatory way,
that's just how i feel)

but that i suppose is in the past

here is a list of things that i think of:

i really wonder what would have become of us

i still can't be sure of what was the right thing to do

i dont try to stop myself from imagining you're here still
(especially when its cold and i feel alone)

i dont know if what keeps us apart
is something we could have worked out

the worst part is that i won't ever know
because i know you won't let me be a part of you again
(at least thats what i think)

i really hate myself for not being happy
even though i had it all,
but we both know thats not quite true
because not everything was all right

the absolute scariest thing is when i wonder
if you were really the one for me
and i stupidly let that go because i was weak

but like i said
how do you know?

only if you live it

if you ever feel like talking to me again
i would like to know.
at least i would like to know that you are somewhere out there
because you have dropped from my life for so long now
and i couldn't even tell you where you are
or what you're doing.

scary things, like i said.

in the end,
i sit here or there
wondering if things will work out.
if things were meant to be the way that they are.
if this is something you or i can move past.

let me know.

jeez i hope you read this.
you probably wont.

p.s. is this what closure is about?
or is this actually an opening?

we're on an island on the fourth of july/
looks like the tide is going home

fuck i want this

why does it have to be 9 days away?!

in case you didn't know
this is trampled by turtles

last night was pretty nuts
good times with ruggles

"your wishes won't ever come true
if you keep saying them out loud"

"in years to come, i will consequently be dying"

really odd thought -
"all we ever had is all around us"

hmm
i'm not sure why
but that one really made my thoughts go straight
out of this room into space

can't quite wrap my mind around it yet

in the words of Tunde Adebimpe:
"and i know stables my survival/
when there's music all around me and i haven't got a single word to say"

been listening to humbug by arctic monkeys
for the last two weeks
so i've decided to bring in some new music

up next:
band of horses
the national

i should just get a scarf and some toms now
what a hipster
j'accuse!

get ready arizona
eric woo is coming in june

woke up
reduced hair length
venti green tea lemonade
lab work at school for a bit
lunch with friends for a bit
grande cappuccino with two packs of brown sugar
back to school for a bit
back home
sleep forever
finally move to gingerbread 2.3.5

this day has simultaneously sucked and rocked

good times

whenever someone tells me to do something
i reply with
'fuck you, i won't do what you tell me!'

i don't think anyone's gotten the reference yet
so i just come off as a
tourettes-ish asshole

great

just accidentally listened to
'casimir pulaski day'
oops

i went to bed normally
and when i woke up
there was a little cut on my face

i'm not really sure how that happened

yes im hurting
but sometimes
life is hurting

i'll live

been fighting with my sheets/
and nearly crying in my sleep.
yes, i'm battling that well taught gripe/
the most restraining type;
you should have racing stripes.

the thought of you
has me in a bind right now

i fight with my mind on the line

it was windy outside

that reminded me that even though
everything in the world is beautiful
in its own way

theres a reason why things are the way they are

i can't explain it better than that

im trying to find peace in solitude
and its tough

i wish i could expand my brain
make it as big as that one mountain

and people would be able to understand
what was going on

if i want to feel happy

i wrote down a list a little while ago
of things that made me happy
and things that didn't make me happy

it was a dumb list

things that make me happy

i like venti green tea lemonades (wish i could put a tilde on that sucker)
4 pumps of sweetener, please

sometimes thinking of how fucked up
my life has been for a while
actually makes me smile a little bit

the absurdity of existence escapes almost all of us

primer

i am sitting in my room
and the lights are on
and there isn't much noise

the phone vibrates

descending back to reality
i think i could use a little break

gah
i deserve some happiness, right?
even if it means reaching deep inside
and dusting off a face i keep trying to forget

even if it's just for a moment

im up right now
see me later when im down
and you'll know

and i can't be asked to carry on/
in this debate that reappears/
oh when you say 'i don't care'/
but of course i do, yeah, i clearly do

i think the worst is that
i havent talked to her in so long
or that i very well possibly will never say
another word to her again

when i think of that
that usually makes me cry or something

to be honest
i would just keep saying goodbye
just so that i would be able to keep talking
even though that would be the last thing
i would ever want to say

i think im hurt in a way
that i dont think i couldve ever imagined
i could do to myself

and i don't think i could ever understand
and i dont think i could ever be the same

i just want these razor sharp pains
to miss me and hit the walls
fall down harmlessly
and even just disappear

"sometimes i can't believe it/
i'm movin' past the feeling"

or something
always "or something"
i don't know

i've had a few good days
today was kind of tough

started listening to humbug by the arctic monkeys
pretty good stuff

my thoughts get outfluxed by my emotions
i kind of wish i could write stuff down
when i have things in my head

overall, life is still looking pretty suckish
but at least im still alive

im not paranoid
but im pretty sure don't cry by deerhunter
was made for me

pulling some oldies while i attempt to
absorb some removable for tomorrow
got some green day going (dookie, to be precise)
and im ready to head the fuck out of this town

that's right
fuck this noise
im done with this nonsense

i can't get myself to care any more
than i already have
so why don't i just leave it on the table for now
and focus on what i have

these are the times
i could get used to growing up

why can't i be a piece of paper
anyone could rip me up into pieces and throw me in the wind
and i'd get carried away without a word

why can't i be a song or even one note
anyone could play me and all of my sounds
would just float on to infinity
and no one could stop me

why can't i

i just don't want to be me

it's hard to see what to do

im so cluttered with life
and it's overwhelming

i need to change

i was going to write something
but then i changed my mind
so now im back to doing this

i never realized how stifling my room can be

going through some old music i have
some of it makes me cringe
some of it makes me smile

one little gem was saves the day:
"please please please mr. hox/
won't you tell your daughter that i'm all alone/
and i'm not handling this well"

i hate that at least twice a day i completely lose it
most of the time im just kind of coasting
but without fail
ill disappear into myself
and find a new hurt to hold on to
it's quite terrible

something i wrote a long time ago

it's odd that i've reverted back to
some kind of person that i was
in the past

i couldnt give less of a fuck
about my life right now
a day is just a day
and the only reason i enjoy
time going by is knowing that
it's the only chance i have

i like to sit and look at the city
there is a connection somehow
between it's sprawling beauty
and my detestable ability to yearn and remember

god damn i fucking hate myself

our heart doesn't play by rules/and love has its own demands

open my heart and let it/bleed onto yours

i can see my mind go in
so many different directions at once

things that i used to cherish
only bring me immense pain
i can't evade it

once in a while
when i go blank
i wonder when i can leave this place

things are tough
i don't really want to do anything
i go up the hill
and i try to breathe away my feelings

im not really sure of anything
every second feels different from the next
it's all upside down

im not even trying
i want to swallow the pain
make it mine
let it become myself
and walk him around the streets
showing his face to only myself
and we make a terrible pair

return to cookie mountain

the hardest part about being alone
is that sometimes dealing with reality is
too hard on your own

my life is nothing

if you read this
thank you for the letter
it means so much to me

They were the seeds of longing;

even as the world became his,

and it started to become so easy to

love him that much more,

there would be a time when

you and he would be apart.

As the light of days passing

moved each untying leaf,

the fragile branches of the love

between you and him

illuminated and, as all things

with real beauty will do,

shone even greater than before.

happy fathers day

tales of a fading boldness from time gone by
were dripped on the walls by wax,
a methodical script with mentions of
angels and likewise their descending counterparts.
while each depictions did their duty
and gave forth truth to all portraits involved,
it would not be unfair to assume that
by the very act of turning to history
a virile, shifting creature, there becomes
wholly something amiss.
now the candle-clad scribe must
decide if there is justness in memory and forgetfulness,
or the mute realization that nothing can even be
the way that it once was.

written in my notebook
in my own terrible version of cursive
it was sort of an exercise in futility, really
because i have no idea why i wrote this